


long way down

by finnhoe



Series: it starts in my toes (or my wrist and your elbow) [3]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/F, M/M, Mentions of Sex, fashionable finn n poe, finn comforts and uses his anxiety to help, finn is pure and is doing his best, fluffy fluff, kissin n makin out, then the second half is not so happy, they go on a super cliche date, they're giant in love idiots, tw // character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-16 18:58:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7280734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finnhoe/pseuds/finnhoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>everything is going amazing and they're on cloud nine, until they're not</p>
            </blockquote>





	long way down

**Author's Note:**

> it has literally been two months i am so SORRY but here it is finally!!!!

Finn is really, seriously, enduringly, having terrible sexual frustration. He means, he’s not just talking about wanting someone to suck his dick. No. We’re talking about that drag and pull in the bottom of his stomach, that chill of adrenaline up his spine every time he gets the chance to lay his eyes on Poe. He can never stop his thoughts of what Poe would look like pinned to the bed, and how high or low his noises would be, or h-

 

Okay. You see what he means?

 

But for some reason, Poe shuts the door every time after Finn drops him off back at his house. And when Poe is the one dropping Finn off? He winks and walks away after their kissing (okay making out) session every. single. time.

 

He honestly has no clue why a nice, kind, person like him has to endure this. He means, he is in no way, shape, or form, expecting Poe to have sex with him because they’re soulmates. He would never even think that Poe owes him that. It’s just he is so confused after the suggestive texts that never turn into sexting, and after that one drunk text a couple weeks ago.

 

He tries voicing this to Rey.

 

“Finn, look, you know that sex isn’t really my thing. But, I’m not fucking stupid. It’s obvious what he’s doing,” Rey looks at Finn from across the table in the coffee shop, that smug smile on her face.

 

Finn is so ready to hear this one, “Oh it is? Please, tell me more,” he smirks and sets his head in his hands, leaning forward with an exaggerated interest.

 

Rey smiles and crosses her arms over her white t-shirt as she leans back. “He is purposely making you get, like, all this pent up frustration so that you can use it when he does let you in his pants,” Rey whispers this as if she’s letting Finn in on the world’s biggest secret.

“It’s a smart move, really, I applaud him.”

 

Finn’s smirk has dropped by now, and he starts replaying all the moments where Poe has stopped their making out _just_ before they get to the next level. And holy shit. Rey is right.

 

He has to slowly lean back as he realizes that that’s exactly what Poe has been doing.

 

“What the fuck. What. The fuck,” Finn is struggling to wrap his mind over this revelation while Rey smiles and eats her chocolate croissant.

 

“That little demon, how could he?” Finn’s brows are furrowed and he has his hands to his chest, deeply offended.

 

Rey shrugs, finishing the last bite of her pastry as she watches the rain outside.

 

She turns to Finn, “Wanna go home and watch a movie?”

Finn nods, still deep in his thoughts. Rey rolls her eyes and throws away their trash before dragging Finn out of his chair and out the door.

 

\--

 

“Are you busy tomorrow night?” Rey throws popcorn on Finn’s head from the other end of the couch, laughing when it makes contact.

 

Finn gives his best unimpressed look and pinches her foot which is shoved under his thigh. “No, I’m most definitely not getting laid, so no plans,” Finn says, very passive aggressively, Rey would add.

 

Ignoring that last part, she asks, “Wanna go to that new club with me and Jessika? I’ve heard that they have the most amazing jello shots.”

 

Finn’s ears perk up a little at that. He really loves his goddamn jello shots.

 

“Can I bring Poe?” Finn asks, eyes already glittering with the mere thought of his lover. It’s disgusting if you ask Rey.

 

However, Rey has made very fast friends with Poe, as they share a career and a Finn.

 

“Yes, sure. Just please don’t fuck in the club. I don’t want to get thrown out on the opening night,” Rey asks, teasing Finn.

 

Finn simply decides to throw a pillow at her, carefully maneuvering the cup of coffee on the table next to her. “Fuck you,” he decides to add.

 

Rey blows a kiss at Finn before he asks, “Besides, why are you all of a sudden obsessed with nightclubs since you turned 21 last month? As if you didn’t ILLEGALLY drink before,” Finn chastises her, because he never drank until his 21st birthday.

 

Rey giggles, “You’re such a grandmother.”

 

Finn mocks her laugh before retorting, “Yes, a grandmother without any criminal background.”

 

“Hey. It was _one night_ and it’s only because the cops shut down the party while I was peeing and no one told me until I walked out to be face to face with that asshole cop. Totally not my fault,” she’s quick to defend herself, “Plus, back in England, we could drink at 18.”

 

Finn deadpans, “You moved here when you were 15.”

 

“Yes, but I’ve still got the accent, don’t I? Once a Brit, always a Brit,” Rey smugly smiles, settling back into the arm of the couch.

 

“Yes, and once a crook, always a crook,” Finn mimics her smile and settles into his respective side of the couch.

 

Rey simply flips him off and turns the volume up on the movie.

\--

 

“I missed you,” Poe breathes into Finn’s mouth, walking until Finn’s back hits the wall of his front porch.

 

Finn wraps his arms around Poe’s waist, relishing in the adrenaline running down his spine and ending at his groin. His mind is just ‘poe poe poe poe poe’ and it takes him a second to exhale a laugh and respond, “You saw me a week ago”.

 

Poe shakes his head and begins to gently kiss the corner of Finn’s mouth, then travels to his jaw, his neck, and the exposed collarbone (thanks to his snazzy white v-neck), “Too long.”

 

A snort is barely audible from Finn as his eyes are shut, hand tangled in Poe’s curls. Poe is making good work of leaving a mark just below Finn’s jaw. He marrs the dark, smooth skin purple; it looks like artwork.

 

But then it’s over just as soon as it began.

 

“Ready?” Poe wipes his mouth and stands back up in front of Finn, lips red and smile smug.

 

Finn is still trying to recover from the _hickey_ Poe just left on him. He’s still hot, you know, _down there_ and he really does not appreciate the quite abrupt halt of contact.

 

He doesn’t even have a chance to respond before Poe has his back to him and is heading to his SUV. Finn really, really, hates him sometimes.

 

With a roll of his eyes and a brief adjusting of his pants, Finn speed walks to catch up to Poe. But he doesn’t fully catch up, if you know what he means. He takes a couple seconds to admire how cute Poe’s scuffed white Adidas sneakers are, and how good his ankles look when he rolls up the cuffs of his grey skinny jeans. He didn’t know ankles could be beautiful until he saw Poe’s.

 

The brown leather jacket (that Finn steals enough for there to be partial custody of) is on Poe’s slim yet strong shoulders, and Finn already became familiar with the cropped white t-shirt Poe has on, when his hand slid up underneath it to gain access to the smooth expanse of Poe’s waist and back.

 

With another look at the brown curls, Finn realizes he’s dating an 80’s teen heartthrob.

 

“Hey babe, I’m gonna start calling you Johnny Depp,” Finn calls, smiling to himself with his hands in the pockets of his own torn black skinny jeans.

 

“You can call me whatever you want, except daddy,” Poe’s short answer makes Finn exert a weird snort choke thing. Super sexy, Finn.

 

They both climb into the car. “Why don’t you like ‘daddy’?” Finn asks, not that he’s disappointed, really, but interested, because Finn himself never liked it either.

 

Poe shrugs while he turns the car on and buckles himself in. “Never liked it, never saw the appeal.”

 

Finn nods before he gets an idea and smiles. Fuckboy mode is _activated_. “Wanna play twenty questions, baby?” Finn winks and gets a faux sleazy look on his face, turning towards Poe.

 

Poe takes one look at him and barks a laugh, eyes crinkling with mirth as he merges on to the road. “Okay. I’ll go first. What’s your favorite color?”

 

“Red, but that’s not important. The real question is are you more dominant or submissive?” Finn winks and bites his lip very dramatically.

 

Poe chews on his lip for a second, as he’s taking the question seriously (which Finn didn’t expect, but hey). “Neither. I am definitely not dominant, because I don’t really like the whole being in charge thing- it’s too much pressure. Instead, I like to comply, but within reason. I hate being bossed around and shit. Like just normal sex you know?” Finn nods, taking this seriously now and remembering every word, “Although, there’s been some times where I’ve really been in the mood to do that stuff, even if it’s rare. But I don't like to top.”

 

Finn’s eyebrows are raised, because he was definitely not ready for that essay of an answer.

 

Poe looks over at him smiling, then it turns to panic when he sees the look on Finn’s face. “Oh god, I overshared and you were just joking. I’m sorry, you should have told me to shut up. I can tota-”, he’s cut short by another pair of lips on his own (which is honestly really dangerous _Finn_ ).

 

Poe pulls back and smiles, returning a whole half of his attention to the road, and they’re honestly lucky no one is around right now.

 

“Please don’t ever apologize about oversharing. I want to get to know all of you, no matter how long or short that takes. And definitely do not apologize about oversharing what you like in bed, because, well, I aim to please,” Finn winks and settles back into his seat, watching the faint pink color grace Poe’s cheekbones.

 

Poe doesn’t need to respond, the way he has a small smile while he drives is good enough for Finn. Finn takes this as an opportunity to slightly turn up the volume on the radio and take Poe’s right hand, intertwining it in his own.

 

He rubs a soothing yet subconscious thumb on the back of Poe’s hand while he looks at the evening sun grace the scenery out the window.

 

He’s also taking in the warm light glowing from the scenery in the driver’s seat.

 

“You’re beautiful,” Finn comments, because he honestly can’t help himself.

 

Poe bites his bottom lip in an effort to contain his large blinding grin. “You can’t say shit that makes me want to kiss you while I’m driving. It’s not fair,” Poe attempts to whine, but he can’t help but smile.

 

“Hey. No one is stopping you. I’m not the one who has to drive, so I’ll keep teasing to my heart’s content,” Finn’s grin is mischievous.

 

Poe still pouts for a second before his face changes into what Finn can only describe as an overly attractive and large five year old who just figured out how to get the last cookies from the jar.

Okay. That was gross. Don’t say that out loud, Finn.

 

“How about you drive and then we’ll see how fun it is,” Poe smiles and Finn begins to protest before he’s cut off with, “There’s only like 30 more minutes until we get there. Don’t be a wimp.”

 

And Finn is not a wimp.

 

\--

 

Also, that’s the story of how Finn received his first road head.

 

“I fucking hate you,” Finn’s head is resting back on the seat, and he’s sure there’s sweat threatening to drop down his forehead.

 

“No you don’t,” Poe shrugs, buttoning Finn’s pants for him. It’s lucky there’s no mess. Poe never leaves a mess.

 

Finn lazily turns his head toward Poe who still looks like nothing ever happened, that bastard. The only way Finn could tell it happened is if he kissed Poe and tasted him.

 

So, he does.

 

You know, for science.

 

Finn leans over and opens his mouth. It’s a lazy, wet kiss that Finn takes control of, judging by his tight grip on Poe’s jaw. He can taste himself and holy fuck, that’s so hot. It makes him dip back in for more, but Poe settles for a kiss on Finn’s nose instead.

 

“Later,” Poe winks, and buckles himself back in his seat, which is now the passenger’s seat.

 

Finn remembers they’re on the side of a road that’s in the middle of nowhere, after he had to veer off the road when he was about to come. He starts to wonder if Poe took this route instead of the freeway on purpose.

 

“You’re the golden devil,” Finn narrows his eyes in an untrusting manner, determined to make his point.

 

Poe stares at him for a second then laughs so hard that he snorts, and Finn can’t hold back the beaming smile. He’s such a fucking loser.

 

Y’know, Finn would just like to point out how truly beautiful Poe is. Like, who looks good while laughing really hard?? Hm?? Finn would like answers. Poe is not human, that’s the answer.

 

Poe manages out, “Get back on the road, nerd,” as his laughter turns into a warm smile.

 

Now it’s his turn to admire the way Finn’s skin seems to absorb the setting sun and reflect the rays back, ten times prettier.

 

The rest of the car ride and the night is similar, with the music at the perfect volume and the pair perfectly falling in love.

 

\--

 

They finally get to Poe’s at 3 am, but they’re not drunk from going out. They established to go to all the 24 hour diners in the area and order hot chocolates, then decide which one is the best. They scored each one individually then concluded the winner on the way home.

 

Finn liked the one with the cinnamon the best, and Poe liked the one with the colorful marshmallows.

 

Poe told Finn that he likes Finn the best. Finn said ‘ditto’.

 

Finn’s cheeks are still sore from smiling, and his abs slightly burning from laughing. He knows that Poe was chosen for him through fate, but still. How did the fates get it so perfect?

 

“Bed?” Poe winks at Finn, and they’re both so tired it’s like they’re drunk on smiles and chocolate and each other.

 

Finn giggles and raises his eyebrows suggestively, even though he knows that both of them just want to fall asleep in the other’s arms.

 

Poe starts stripping on the way to the room, with Finn following and getting a pizza print sock to the face in the process.

 

“I sleep in my undies,” Poe shrugs once they reach the bedroom, sitting on the bed and looking up at Finn, who is still standing fully clothed (unfortunately).

 

Finn looks at him for a handful of seconds. Poe just looks so charming, sitting there with a small smile, swinging his legs back and forth.

 

“You look like Aladdin,” Finn giggles with his profound conclusion.

 

Poe drops the smile and pans, “Finn, that’s racist.”

 

They both hold their expressions for a second before erupting into laughter again, even though it really wasn’t that funny.

 

Finn smiles slow before taking his clothes off to match Poe. Neither of them bothered to turn the light on so the moonlight casts shadows in the muscles of his arms, shoulders, chest, abs.

 

“Wow,” Poe can’t stop his gaze, “Didn’t know I was soulmates with John Cena.”

 

Finn starts singing the John Cena theme song and jumps on the bed, pretending to be a wrestler that just won his match. Poe is watching him from below, laughing and making the ‘aahh’ sounds of an audience, cupping his hands around his mouth.

 

Finn’s smile is ever-beautiful, making Poe forget about what he was doing and causing him to focus on his mate.

 

Finn finally sits next to Poe and they’re smiling at each other like two idiots. The two are just soaking in each other and the light coming in through the curtains and how ethereal they both feel.

 

Poe leans forward and kisses Finn slow, but it’s innocent. It’s simply lips holding each other gently, but not like they won’t get the chance again. It’s gentle because they know they have until the end of time with each other, and that’s enough for both of them.

 

\--

 

Poe’s phone rings at 4:53 am.

 

Finn is an incredibly light sleeper and Poe is apparently not, so he carefully slides Poe off his body and reaches for the phone.

 

The number is one that doesn’t have a caller ID, but who would be calling right now if it wasn’t important?

 

He decides to gently shake Poe awake, trying to get him on the phone before the ringer stops.

 

“Babe. Babe wake up, your phone is going off,” Finn whispers, his voice laced with traces of sleep.

 

Poe mumbles something incoherent and blindly reaches for the phone. Finn smiles at his sleepy lover before unlocking the phone and placing it on Poe’s ear.

 

Finn sits up, waiting to see who is calling so early. Poe follows his movements, opening his eyes and leaning back on Finn’s shoulder before finally saying something, pulling his knees to his chest.

 

“Hullo?” Poe mumbles, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

 

Finn is smiling at the cute display and rests his face in Poe’s curls, breathing his scent of motor oil and the green apple Head and Shoulders shampoo.

 

He starts to fall back asleep when he feels Poe’s body go completely rigid.

 

“This is he,” Poe’s voice is clear now, all traces of tiredness gone.

 

Finn immediately senses that something is wrong.

 

Poe leans forward and puts his head in between his knees, still listening to the person on the other line. His chest begins to heave up and down quickly as he begins to hyperventilate.

 

Finn springs into action, sitting beside Poe now and rubbing his back and his knee, trying to calm him down. “Hey, hey, what is it?”

 

Poe can’t answer Finn, his face staring blankly ahead and his hands are shaking as he presses the speaker button on the phone.

 

“- brain dead, sir. I’m very sorry but we will need you down here right now to allow us to take the further measures we need. Do you have someone to assist you?”

 

There’s a silence from Poe still and his mind is far away as he begins scrubbing the back of his neck and rocking back and forth.

 

“Y-Yes. Sorry, we will be there. Which hospital is this again?” Finn interjects, desperately trying to calm Poe and get the information at the same time.

 

The person rattles off the hospital name and Finn writes it down in the notes app on Poe’s phone. He ends the call and tries to stay as calm as he can as he turns to Poe.

 

“Babe, Poe, breathe. Breathe, baby, breathe. I need you to tell me who it is,” Finn is trying to get across to Poe, but Poe is already beginning to sob, his breathing not slowing down.

 

Finn tries to remember every coping technique he learned when he went to therapy for his anxiety. He remembers that it always helped him to have someone there to ground him during an attack.

 

“Poe, look at me, look at me, okay?” Finn scrambles to sit as close as possible to Poe.

 

Finn reaches out and grabs Poe’s chin, guiding Poe to look at Finn. But he almost wish he hadn’t.

 

What he sees makes his stomach drop. Poe’s eyes are bloodshot and wet, water matting his eyelashes together. There’s a wild and lost look in his eyes, but they’re mostly just drenched in devastation. Poe’s chest is still heaving and his hands are sweating and shaking.

 

“M- my dad,” Poe gasped, and his hands go to tangle in his hair.

 

What Finn really wants to do is hug Poe tight into his chest and hold him there to make the sadness stop. But he knows he needs to get Poe to the hospital to see his father.

 

“Okay, alright, you’re okay,” Finn chants softly as he gently removes Poe’s hands from the grip they have in the curls.

 

Finn softly kisses Poe’s knuckles and then the top of his head.

 

Poe at least has his breathing slowed, but the shaking and crying has not stopped. Finn gets up from the bed and quickly throws a t-shirt on, not knowing whose it is. Judging from how it only reaches his belly button, it’s probably Poe’s from earlier.

 

He grabs his t-shirt and slips it over Poe’s head, who in turn puts his arms in. Finn then searches for pants in the darkness but only finds his jeans from earlier. He’s not sure where Poe’s jeans went.

 

He slides on the jeans as quickly as he can before grabbing a pair of Poe’s grey joggers from the clean pile of laundry and hands them to Poe, who stares at them for a moment before standing slowly and sliding them on.

 

As Finn briefly leaves the room to find their shoes, he can still hear Poe attempting to get his sobbing under control, but that’s breaking Finn’s heart more than the actual sobbing.

 

“Here, love,” Finn hands Poe a pair of vans he found and Poe slips them on without socks.

 

Finn leans down to tie his shoes, trying to cover up the fact that his hands are shaking as well. He takes his moment to breathe and collect himself, because Poe is going to need him to be calm and comforting for a while after this.

 

He sits up and balances on his toes as he knees below Poe. Poe is still sitting on the bed, doing that involuntary breathing thing that you do after you cry really hard. He’s still sniffling, trying to quell the sobs that were shaking him a minute ago.

 

“Come on, Poe,” Finn whispers. He’s careful to make his voice and movements soft as not to spook Poe.

 

Poe finally looks up at him and stands up, his eyes still holding that desolating tone. He whimpers, “Finn,” before his brow furrows and his face breaks.

 

Poe is crying on Finn’s shoulder, and Finn immediately holds Poe tightly. He buries his face into Poe’s shoulder and tightly holds Poe’s waist, the other hand cradling the head of soft curls.

 

Finn does his best to rub soothing circles into Poe’s back, just allowing himself to hold Poe for a minute. Poe’s hands are very tightly scrunched into the material of the t-shirt Finn put on, as if he’s trying desperately to ground himself.

 

“Okay, we need to go now,” Finn coaxes.

 

He forces himself to pull back. He lifts Poe’s face and wipes the smattering of new tears with his thumbs, his hands cradling Poe’s face. Poe’s brows furrow and he bites his lip, desperately trying to hold back another sob. He clutches onto Finn’s wrist, digging his fingers into the palm of Finn’s hand.

 

Poe shuts his eyes and breathes in deep, leaning his forehead on Finn’s chest. Finn is wanting so badly to take the pain away. Yet he’s forced to settle for a chaste kiss on the top of Poe’s head.

 

Finn lifts Poe’s face and nods, trying to get some sign of affirmation. Poe chews on his lip again and manages to nod. Poe puts his and Finn’s hands down, instead settling for intertwining their hands.

 

Finn is trying desperately to not get lost in his own whirlpool of anxiety. He has never met Poe’s father, but Poe has always talked about them meeting. He knows that Poe’s mother, Shara, died when Poe was eight years old. He knows that Shara was in the Air Force and was top ranking. He knows that she died in a mission that was launched to rescue US POW.

 

He also knows that Poe and his mom were incredibly close and that Poe has still not gotten over her death.

 

He knows that Poe’s father, Kes, was the only remnant left of his family.

 

Finn shakes himself from his thoughts and turns his attention to leading Poe out the door and locking it. Poe is in a stage where he isn’t saying anything, but Finn can feel the white knuckled grip Poe has on him.

 

He opens the passenger door and waits for Poe to slide in. Poe is just staring ahead, hands now balled into his shirt. Another piece of Finn’s heart breaks.

 

Finn shuts the door and quickly goes to the drivers side. He turns the car on and puts the hospital into the navigation system. It’s only 17 minutes away.

 

Finn breathes in deep and slowly exhales. He’s not tired anymore, just nervous and panicked.

 

He begins to drive and looks over at Poe. Poe has not moved since he first sat down. He’s still staring at his lap and his fists are still in his t-shirt.

 

“Hey,” as Finn says this, Poe turns to look at him, almost startled, “Breathe for me, please,” Poe nods once and returns his gaze to his lap.

 

At the stoplight, Finn decides to reach over and untangle Poe’s hands from the fists they were balled into. He sets Poe’s right hand on Poe’s lap, while he tangles his fingers in Poe’s, maintaining a solid yet gentle grip.

 

For the remaining 15 minutes, Finn holds Poe’s hand, rubbing his thumb in circles and occasionally brushing his lips on Poe’s knuckles. This seems to help distract him, as he keeps his even, yet shaky, breathing until they are walking into the hospital.

 

Poe stops right before the entrance, “I can’t do it, I can’t do it Finn. I can’t walk in there and see him like that, I-”, Finn cuts him off.

 

“Poe, please listen to me,” Finn gently holds the sides of Poe’s face and locks eye contact, “You are going to be okay. I promise. You can do this and you can get through this. And I will be right here from here on out for when you need me. I’m here, love, okay?” Finn kisses Poe, trying to get some reaction.

 

Poe kisses back weakly, but it’s something. Finn still has him.

 

Poe breathes in for a moment as he rests his forehead on Finn’s. He pulls back and nods.

 

Finn grabs Poe’s hand again and regains their path to the door. “Breathe,” he reminds Poe as they step into the harsh lighting of the hospital.

 

He adjusts his eyes to the light as he scans the room for a secretary, if that is what they’re called here.

 

The man behind the desk smiles at Finn, and purses his lips in a sad smile at Poe’s dejected form.

 

“Good morning, what can I help you with?” the man inquires, turning his attention to Finn because he knows he most likely will not be getting an answer from Poe.

 

“Kes Dameron. We need to see him,” Finn speaks up, surprising himself of how clear his voice is right now, He feels like his whole body, down to his core, is shaking.

 

The man nods and types the name into the computer, not asking for a spelling. Finn supposes it’s not the most difficult name.

 

“Ah. He is on the sixth floor in room 23. However, only family and mates are allowed. Are you one of the two?”

 

“He’s Kes’ son,” Finn points to Poe with his free hand, “and I’m his mate,” Finn holds up their intertwined hands for emphasis, weakly smiling.

 

Poe looks up now, hearing himself being mentioned.

 

“Okay, perfect, go right ahead,” the man gestures to the elevators.

Finn nods a ‘thank you’ and walks himself and Poe to the nearest one. Poe is at least holding his head up now, slowly taking in his environment. His grip on Finn’s hand is getting stronger and stronger the closer they get to the room.

 

They thankfully get in an elevator with no one else. Finn guesses this is the quiet time in the hospital, with it only being around 5:30 am.

 

Finn presses the number ‘6’. He turns to Poe and strokes through the thick hair with his free hand. “It’ll be okay,” Finn breathes, dropping a gentle kiss to Poe’s forehead.

 

Poe breathes in shakily and presses a kiss that is mostly for himself to Finn’s shoulder to comfort him more. The doors slide open and tightens his grip on Poe’s hand to signal that it’s okay for Poe to do the same.

 

As Finn and Poe go down the rows of rooms, Poe obliges Finn’s offer and has an even tighter grip on his hand.

 

They find room 23 and Poe stops again.

 

Poe’s breathing again speeds up, and the tears come back. He tries his best to swallow them down himself and he grounds himself in Finn’s eyes again before turning back to the door.

 

Finn takes one last look at Poe to make sure it’s okay before he enters the room with Poe trailing slightly behind him.

 

The first thing they hear is the ventilator, the machine breathing for Kes. Then they hear the heart monitor, beeping steadily. But Finn knows that there’s no one there. When they round the corner, Finn’s stomach drops to the floor.

 

Kes is laying unresponsive, attached to all kinds of wires and tubes. His chest is moving up and down in a mechanical manner, and even though he is not truly passed yet, there’s no sign of life. There’s no sign that tells you that that body used to be full of energy.

 

Poe immediately crumbles. He walks the remaining steps to his father’s bedside and sinks to his knees. He starts sobbing again, this time more hysterical and uncontrollable than before, as if he was expecting none of this to be real. He’s clutching onto his father’s hand like it’s a lifeline.

 

Finn hates this. He hates that someone as selfless, genuine, and endlessly kind as Poe is going through all of this. He wants to curse whatever god is responsible for this. He wants to steal Poe away forever so he can never be hurt again.

 

He knows this is all selfish, but he can’t help it as Poe begins to cry, “I’m sorry,” over and over again.

 

Finn decides to sit down next to Poe and try to comfort him. He strokes Poe’s hair, he lets him cry into the bedsheets, he rubs his back, he places kisses on Poe’s shoulders, his head, his arms. He does this until Poe stops crying, until it turns into sniffles and shaky breathing.

 

It’s a few minutes later that a nurse comes in, knocking on the wall to alert them to her presence.

 

Finn looks up, making eye contact with the older woman. She has kind, motherly eyes, and Finn knows that’s why they chose her. Her presence is comforting.

 

“Poe Dameron?,” the nurse softly asks, trying to get Poe to look up.

 

Poe does look up, but Finn doesn’t know how much of him is really here.

The nurse introduces herself before she begins to explain what happened, but Poe is staring at a wall and Finn doesn’t think he is listening to a word the nurse is saying.

 

So Finn holds both of Poe’s hands and listens.

 

He learns that Kes came in around 1 am this morning. He came with a teenage boy who said that Kes saw the boy being assaulted by two men outside a bar and he stepped in. Kes was then stabbed twice in the chest by the men who then ran when they saw that Kes fell unconscious. The boy called for 911 but by then Kes’ pulse was weak and the doctors attempted surgery to repair the organs, but there was too much bleeding and not enough oxygen to the brain, so he was pronounced brain dead after the surgery around 4:30 am.

 

Finn has to take a minute to process everything he just heard. He’s thankful Poe is tuning them out because that was too descriptive for right now. He’ll tell Poe the story when Poe asks.

 

“Jesus,” Finn shakes his head, knowing that Poe is the one that has to make the decision to pull the plug.

 

“I’ll give you two a moment and leave this here,” the nurse smiles small and sets a clipboard of papers and a pen on the table before making a quiet exit.

 

Finn breathes in before turning to Poe, preparing himself for this.

 

“Poe, baby, you need to come back now,” Finn says softly, squeezing both of Poe’s hands.

 

Poe turns toward him and Finn sees that his eyes are holding back tears again. “We need to do it. He always told me to never let him end up paralyzed because that was always his worst fear,” Poe is releasing tears again, whispering ‘it’s time’.

 

Finn nods and presses a long kiss to the top of Poe’s hair, who is now holding his father’s hand and tracing shapes on it. He’s sniffing back his cries, and Finn knows he’s doing this because he feels like he needs to be strong. But crying doesn’t make you weak, heartbreak does.

 

Finn gets up from the floor and gently places the papers and pen in front of Poe before he steps outside the room. He breathes deeply for a few seconds and tries to clear his mind. He slowly climbs out of his pit of anxiety and tells himself to be ready.

 

He then makes eye contact with the nurse from before, as she is sitting behind the desk across from the room and is watching him with an empathetic look on her face.

 

Finn looks at her and nods. They’re ready. The nurse nods back and leaves to get something. Finn takes this opportunity to inhale deeply one more time and re-enter the room.

 

Poe is now sitting on a chair and he’s softly singing a song that Finn doesn’t recognize. He pulls the other chair to sit next to Poe and he wraps an arm around Poe’s waist. He decides to place a hand on Kes’ shin.

 

The nurse and doctor re-enter and explain the procedures to Finn and Poe, but neither are listening.

 

Poe is singing a little louder now:

 

_We won't be dancing together on the high wire_

_Facing the lions with you at my side anymore_

_We won't be breathing the smoke and the fire_

_On the midway_

Poe’s voice is raspy, and he’s trying to keep it strong because the doctor is walking toward the machine to shut it off.

Finn recognizes the song now from Poe singing it to himself when he’s working on the planes at work and Finn visits him. He’s mentioned before that he would sing this with his dad when they would repair cars together when he was a boy. He would always joke about how morbid it is. It’s by Bruce Springsteen.

_Hanging from the trapeze_

_My wrists waiting for your wrists_

_Two daredevils high upon the wall of death_

_He throws the knife, it lands inches from my head_

_Sun down_

The doctor clicks the switch on the machine as Poe sings and he heads over to remove the mask from Kes. Finn can’t watch this, he just focuses on rubbing soothing circles into Poe’s side and being calm and steady.

_Moon rise, moon rise_

_The light that was in your eyes is gone_

_Daybreak, daybreak_

_The singing you had made me ache is gone_

Kes’ breathing is audibly labored now, and the doctor and nurse are standing at the foot of the bed, waiting and listening to Poe.

Poe’s voice is shaking now, and Finn can tell he’s trying desperately not to cry. His voice sounds raw and full of devastation in the quiet room.

The only thing accompanying Poe’s voice is the beep of the machine that displays Kes’ heartbeat, and it is still slow, but kind of steady.

_We'll be riding the train without you tonight_

_The train that keeps on moving_

_Its black smoke scorching the evening sky_

_Millions of stars shining above us like every soul living and dead_

_It's been gathered together by God_

_Sing a hymn over your bones_

Kes’ breathing is very weak now, and the doctor turns the sound of the heart monitor off because his heart is now erratic. Finn is watching the line on the monitor, willing it to be a miracle and Kes wakes up.

 

But Poe is holding on hard to his father’s hand and is rocking back and forth. He has his head down and eyes shut, tears streaming. Finn feels like he’s watching a part of Poe die right now. He can see it withering away along with Kes as it gets weaker and weaker.

 

Finn turns to Kes’ still face and whispers, “It’s okay, you can go, I have your boy. We have each other. He’ll be okay.” He can’t help his own tears as he rubs his thumb on Kes’ shin.

 

_Sun down, sun down_

_Empty are the fairgrounds_

_Where are you now handsome Billy?_

 

Poe sobs what Finn assumes are the last verses of the song, and not moments later the room is silent. Kes stops breathing and the monitor shows a straight line.

 

It’s like Kes was waiting for his son to finish the song with him one last time before they say goodbye.

 

“Time of death, 6:42,” The doctor softly comments to the nurse and Finn can see both the doctor and nurse wiping tears from their faces.

 

Poe buries his face into his dad’s chest, which is now still and unmoving. He cries, “I love you, Dad.” His shoulders are violently shaking with his sobs, and Finn can do nothing except hold him and comfort him best as he knows how.

 

He grabs Poe’s free hand and holds it to his lips, kissing it before kissing Poe’s ear and cheek gently, resting his forehead on Poe’s temple. He softly comforts, “You’ll be okay, I’m here, you’re okay,” until he too allows more tears to slip because he feels like a part of him was ripped out, too.

 

He hears the doctor and nurse gently shut the door and he turns all of his attention to Poe. His Poe. His sweet, gentle Poe that doesn’t deserve any of this. He wants to scream and cry all at once. He feels so fucking sorry and he doesn’t even know why.

 

He wants and wants and wants to take the pain away, but he can’t.

  
So he settles for the same comforting rhythm until Poe cries himself to sleep at his father’s side, even if his father isn’t here.

**Author's Note:**

> there should be one more part then an epilogue out soon :D feedback and comments always welcome!
> 
> tumblr: generallando


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